Void

I'm surviving. Not necessarily living. Trying to keep myself social and busy to pass the time, but more often than not, I enjoy the solitude and comfort of my bed and my four walls.

I just returned from a walk. Peaceful. Energetic. Even so, I feel a certain void.

Who says time heals all wounds?

I want to go home, the question now is, where is home?

The Personality of a...

With my recent quest of finding a job that I would love, I've realized that many employers are requesting Personality type testing nowadays. I completed another "test" today and as anxious as I am to hear back from the employer, I am also curious to know what they say about me in general.

Tonight I went out and took a couple of random internet free tests. Considering you get what you pay for, I did find it quite relevant to who I am. Now I only hope this employer that I REALLY want to work for sees me as a good fit as well.

Here are some of the highlights. The results were quite extensive, but I won't paste all of the feedback.

Here is one of the places I found this particular "test" :

And my results:
Extraverted Intuitive Feeling Judging
Profile: ENFJ

ENFJs are the benevolent 'pedagogues' of humanity. They have tremendous charisma by which many are drawn into their nurturing tutelage and/or grand schemes. Many have tremendous power to manipulate others with their phenomenal interpersonal skills and unique salesmanship. But it's usually not meant as manipulation -- ENFJs generally believe in their dreams, and see themselves as helpers and enablers, which they usually are.

ENFJs are those whom we associate organization and decisiveness. Their offices may or may not be cluttered, but their conclusions (reached through feelings) about people and motives are drawn much more quickly and are more resilient than those of their counterparts.

ENFJs know and appreciate people. Like most Feelers in general, they are apt to neglect themselves and their own needs for the needs of others. They have thinner psychological boundaries than most, and are at risk for being hurt or even abused by less sensitive people.

Extraverted Feeling rules the ENFJ's psyche. As extraverts, their contacts are wide ranging. Face-to-face relationships are intense, personable and warm, though they may be so infrequently achieved that intimate friendships are rare.

Introverted iNtuition
ENFJs are blessed through introverted intuition with clarity of perception in the inner, unconscious world. Dominant Feeling prefers to find the silver lining in even the most beggarly perceptions of those in their expanding circle of friends and, of course, in themselves. ENFJs are continually looking for newer and better solutions to benefit their extensive family, staff, or organization.

Extraverted Sensing
Sensing is extraverted. ENFJs can manage details, particularly those necessary to implement the prevailing vision. Something to be bought can be had for a song; the same something is invaluable when it's time to sell.

Introverted Thinking
Introverted Thinking is least apparent and most enigmatic in this type. In fact, it often appears only when summoned by Feeling. At times only in jest, but in earnest if need be, Thinking entertains as logical only those conclusions which support Feeling's values. Introverted Thinking is frequently the focus of the spiritual quest of ENFJs. These essences of inner thinking are the mysteries of Deity for which this great Feeler's soul searched.

ENFJs are Idealists. They have a natural talent for leading students or trainees toward learning, or as Idealists like to think of it, they are capable of calling forth each learner's potentials.

In whatever field they choose, Idealists consider people their highest priority, and they instinctively communicate personal concern and a willingness to become involved. Warmly outgoing, and perhaps the most expressive of all the types,

Idealists are remarkably good with language, especially when communicating in speech, face to face. And they do not hesitate to speak out and let their feelings be known. Bubbling with enthusiasm, Idealists will voice their passions with dramatic flourish, and can, with practice, become charismatic public speakers. This verbal ability gives Idealists a good deal of influence in groups, and they are often asked to take a leadership role.

Idealists tend to be well developed or well rounded individuals. Certainly their insight into themselves and others is unparalleled. Without a doubt, they know what is going on inside themselves, and they can read other people with uncanny accuracy. Idealists also identify with others quite easily, and will actually find themselves picking up the characteristics, emotions, and beliefs of those around them. Because they slip almost unconsciously into other people's skin in this way, feeling closely connected with those around them, and thus show a sincere interest in the joys and problems of their employees, colleagues, students, clients, and loved ones.


Idealist women tend to be very romantic. They love to give and receive tokens of affection, such as an original poem, a hand carved box, or an item which reminds them of some shared experience. Men often appreciate their compassion and empathy along with their belief in others. When dating, they hope they’ll get to know each other through deep conversation.

Here fishy fishy

Why is it during lent all we hear about is McDonalds 2 for $2 fish sandwich with oozing tarter sauce, Arby's fish, BK's fish, the Culver's fish platter and all the other gazillion ads for fish on Fridays? If you drive around town you see the VFW, every single catholic church and various other organizations promoting the "fish fry" on Friday evenings.

Doesn't anyone appreciate the flavor of fish beyond lent? Seriously folks, its one day a week we catholics don't eat fish for approximately six weeks.

I am wondering how I can market this to the sushi restaurants. Just imagine, two rolls for $2! Now thats a deal I wouldn't pass up!

If I could get people to do more than just read this silly blog, I'd ask you to tell me what your favorite fish samich is during Lent...

Random Spew

I start a new job tomorrow morning. Its a temporary one, but its work and I've missed having to go to work.

Thomas turns 4 on Thursday. Its hard to believe.

I had no money this weekend and had more fun since Thursday spending time with the ones that mean the most to me.

I'm lacking in the ability to write a story or even pull one thats already written.

I'm just tired of being awake.

Its a big week for me.

Oh, and I had the best interview I've ever had on Friday and I'm really kind of hopeful to hear from that company.

Not looking forward to being a number at Wells.

My mom, dad, sister, brother and sister-in-law are the most beautiful people in this world.

I'm really concerned that the people I love don't realize how important they are to me.

I will do better at showing my love and appreciation.

The Table Setting in Each Chapter

We are generally the better persuaded by the reasons we discover ourselves than by those given to us by others.
- Blaise Pascal
My music is what gets me through life. I tend to burn a couple of CDs each time I go pick up or drop off Thomas. Its funny listening to music that had such an emotional impact on me a year ago, hearing those songs brings back memories, and with those lingering thoughts, it allows me realize how days come and go and sometimes it doesn't feel that I'm making headway through my current challenges, big or small, there have still been many chapters opened and closed in this past year. With each chapter, my journey continues and tonight, I'm actually looking forward to seeing whats in the future.

I look around to those closest to me and I see so many new situations or changes to people's lives, and I wonder if they even really take notice in the path that we are each individually walking. Sometimes they are small, but the ones I'm thinking of tonight are fairly large and will have great impact on our future.

A new job, a new house, a new addition to the family, moving in with a boyfriend, new relationships being formed - even the simple things as winter ending and spring peaking its head around the corner. Sometimes I believe we all take too much for granted.

Since that CD was made, I've experienced loss. A romantic relationship, an appeal, a job, a car and most importantly, time with my son. I've moved back to Des Moines, struggled with finding work and furthering my education. I've been in survival mode for so long, I think I've forgotten how to live.

But if I look at the positive, or with the cup half full attitude, I've gained so much more knowledge and experience and feel more ready to live than I did even a couple of months ago.

In turn for the one romantic relationship I've lost, I've been reintroduced to the real Melanie again. The one that wasn't conformed and walking on eggshells. I've began dating again and knowing exactly how I do and do not expect to be treated and most importantly on that note, I learned to enjoy sleeping alone and after learning how to be alone, I've come to enjoy some of its benefits.

Being further apart from Thomas has taught me the value of time spent with someone you love. I have accepted that the mother/son relationship I have with my T can never be compared to the experience of parenting my parents gave to me as a child, or that my sister and brother do with their children. As with any role we have with our children, I am no different in that Thomas and I must make it our own and not allow influences and exchanges of the outside interfere.

In the past year I've come to face and admit that I may not like his father, but I have gained respect for him in his role as Tommy's caretaker and dad. I do trust him with our son as well as support and respect their father/son bond. I pray and hope that as the years progress, we can continue to put our feelings aside and always work together for the sake of our child's well being.

Money and me - well, we weren't exactly in a bonding state this past year. Being poor, without a means to support myself, depending on the aid of unemployment benefits, family and friend's support and some charity on and off, I gained a new sense of respect for the American dollar. This is the one area that I've not been fully "turned around" on in the past year, but my outlook on money and the value of money - what it does and doesn't buy - has drastically changed.

The job thing... well yeah, just don't take it for granted. Period.

My round about point tonight (I told you my thoughts were rambling)... the CD made over a year ago was in direct reflection to the losses I was feeling at the time. I save all of my playlists in iTunes and name them the same as I do the CD - by date. When I played the CD from a month ago or even a week ago, the tunes are different. They are more positive, upbeat, and I feel that defines how I am managing the stress I am facing today. It depicts how influenced so many of us are by our surroundings, even the subconscious ones like our music or our relationships or our attitude in general.

There are new chapters forming all the time though. If you would have told me a year ago what the next 12 months would have unfolded for me, I would have possibly checked myself into a mental ward after a huge panic attack, but I'm here. I lived and survived and even learned a few things along the way.

We all do have a path and being reminded that every single choice - each new opportunity - is a fork in the road. I recommend when approaching your fork in your own travels, you bring with you a knife to protect yourself, a spoon to help dig you out when you get in over your head. Remember your plate can be your raft and I've even used my napkin as a white flag of surrender when need be. Most importantly, without a doubt, drink from the cup that give you joy as often as you can. Oh, and good 'dinner' music along the way will keep you strong!

Thanks to all of you who have been intertwined throughout my chapters, helping me keep my table setting in tact!

My earliest memory - I think...

I remember waking up in Dad's arms. He was carrying me out of the house and he put me in the old blue Ford truck. I couldn't have been more than 2 or 3 at the time. I was the only child still. Mom was driving I'll never forget the panic that enveloped me when we reached E. 29th & Euclid, heading north on E. 29th.

I had a the 70's green tupperware bowl with the plate that snapped on top of it for a lid full of cereal. What I remember most though is clawing at my mother's leg and arm as she tried to drive, begging her to call Grandma. I didn't want to go to this place.

Its funny, I can still see the brick building and swings in the front of the gated yard. I can still smell the inside of that place. I don't remember them ever being mean to me or hurting me, in fact, I remember one gentleman trying to befriend me as I hung back in the coat area.

I'll never forget the look on my mother's face of anguish and guilt and sadness as she left me there. In my memory, I went to that daycare forever. When I've asked her about it, I was only there less than a week because I was so upset everyday - all day - that she wouldn't take me back. She tells me that Grandma did come to pick me up early all the days I was there, and yet, I don't remember that part of it. I only remember the drop off.

Battle of the Sexes

I find myself once again in a situation that involves dating men and my tendency to have guy friends. This is never a win/win situation and it never leaves me with a warm fuzzy feeling. One or everyone involved is hurt. Fortunately for me, my two best guy friends in this entire world have stuck with me for many years - through various types of dating experiences and serious relationships.

What I don't understand is why men can't tell if their girlfriend/wife has a "guy friend" or rather their worst fear: an ex-boyfriend who's out for something more? Is it really that difficult guys? Maybe you should read, "He's just not that into you." There are pointers that can be flipped for your knowledge as well.

Most women don't tell their boyfriends/husbands if they have a guy-friend or ex in their lives. And that's simply because we know that you will overreact. I'm not like that. I put it all out on the table. But if you know that this guy is in my life, ask what we have been doing. Is he taking me to places you took me to when you were attempting to win me over? When you run into him does he avoid eye contact? If he seems shady, chances are he might have a thing for me but nine out of ten times, he wouldn't come around if he did. I don't date dumb people and so I believe you would know if the guy had an interest in something more than just friends.

However, even if another guy has interest - whether its my friend, your friend or some guy that happened to talk to me while I was waiting for you to get the car - it does not mean that I feel the same or am attracted to him. Women like attention, and this friendship or their interest in me may just be an ego-boost. So, before you pick a fight make sure you have all the facts.

Relations between the sexes is a very tricky chess game because it involves strategies, tactics and maneuvering. And do you know why it’s like that? Because the relationship factor says that romantic love is all about power. But seriously guys, think about it... when you click with a girl and you can be yourself and you have a great time when you are with this chick, but the sex isn't there, or the dynamics of children or family or whatever the issue - when you can feel it in your gut that something just isn't right, what do you do?

You either walk away and don't think twice about it or you become their friend. My two best guy friends were two guys I dated. I knew early on that we should be friends and I took extra efforts to make sure they knew that was all I wanted. Being a friend is privy to extra information - but again, I trust these fellas and I love hanging out on the couch or the phone or puttering around with people I can be comfortable with. This is probably the reason I don't keep people I date around long if I know it isn't going to work. I don't need their company. I need friendship more than anything - regardless of where the relationship is headed.

Some may actually call this insecurity. I've even had a few that have taken it to the level of bashing my guy friends or issuing ultimatums if I didn't quit talking to certain friends. Its difficult in my shoes to do this... again, a romantic relationship is a powerful thing and I tend to want to please my partner, but at what risk? I've tried it all before. Keeping the friend, ditching the boyfriend; keeping the friend in secret and not being truthful with the boyfriend; ditching the boyfriend and keeping the friend. Like I said, its never a win/win situation, but dammit, I'm almost 33 years old and I like my guy friends as much as I like my girlfriends.

So fellas, don’t make us choose between you and our guy friends. Do what I do when I date a guy that has lots of girl friends. Do nothing. Just put on a happy face and bite your tongue. And don’t order these characters to lay off because they’re not going to do it. They’re not going to pay any attention to you at all! You’re at the bottom of the totem pole in this game. In fact, if you get involved or act pissy, chances are they are going to turn their flirt or presence up a notch just to get to you. Instead, learn to practice self-control, patience and discipline. I have to remind myself of this same lesson as well. None of us are perfect.

I believe that in the course of dating and relationships, if its meant to be, the friendships will prevail, or work themselves out and my boyfriend will learn to at least trust this guy friend of mine. If my guy friends end up on the back burner while I am playing the intricate chess game of finding that certain someone I can't live without, I know they understand that too. I have been put on the back burner by them for the women in their lives just the same.

Its just another Battle of the Sexes...

S.A.D.

S.A.D. a/k/a Singles Awareness Day a/k/a to all those in relationships with boyfriends, husbands, girlfriends and wives as, yes, Valentines Day.

Now for those of you who know my history, you know I'm not a big fan of this time of year. The older I get, the more calloused I am, or rather, the more emotionally unattached I am able to be. It doesn't help that S.A.D. and my birthday are within days of each other. Nothing says loser in quite a short time repeatedly each and every year.

I used to actually get bummed out about this stupid little holiday. But I've realized in the course of my experiences of dating and relationships, that S.A.D. or VD is such an overrated holiday to begin with. Seriously, do we need one day a year to dote on the ones we love?

I want the people in my life to know that I care about them everyday or at least as often as I can with the common mechanisms of text, email, phone, facebook, myspace and god forbid, interpersonal relationship habits.

Maybe this will change someday when I enter into a long-term commitment with someone. I think in the meantime, its important for our children to enjoy these sorts of days by handing out cartoon-typed Valentine's to their friends, exchanging special treats with each other and chasing their friends on the playground.

My commitment to the person who is my partner will be celebrated daily with the words and actions I use and the promises and trust I keep with them. S.A.D. is an over-priced day for Hallmark and floral shops world-wide.

I'm really not calloused, I'm realistic. Tell the ones you care about that you care about them. You don't have to be in love with someone to let the person know what they bring to your life.

So on that note, I hope everyone had a great Valentine's Day and for those out there celebrating S.A.D., there is no need to be sad about it. Enjoy the life of being single. There are positives to every situation. Maybe I'll write about those next.