The Table Setting in Each Chapter

We are generally the better persuaded by the reasons we discover ourselves than by those given to us by others.
- Blaise Pascal
My music is what gets me through life. I tend to burn a couple of CDs each time I go pick up or drop off Thomas. Its funny listening to music that had such an emotional impact on me a year ago, hearing those songs brings back memories, and with those lingering thoughts, it allows me realize how days come and go and sometimes it doesn't feel that I'm making headway through my current challenges, big or small, there have still been many chapters opened and closed in this past year. With each chapter, my journey continues and tonight, I'm actually looking forward to seeing whats in the future.

I look around to those closest to me and I see so many new situations or changes to people's lives, and I wonder if they even really take notice in the path that we are each individually walking. Sometimes they are small, but the ones I'm thinking of tonight are fairly large and will have great impact on our future.

A new job, a new house, a new addition to the family, moving in with a boyfriend, new relationships being formed - even the simple things as winter ending and spring peaking its head around the corner. Sometimes I believe we all take too much for granted.

Since that CD was made, I've experienced loss. A romantic relationship, an appeal, a job, a car and most importantly, time with my son. I've moved back to Des Moines, struggled with finding work and furthering my education. I've been in survival mode for so long, I think I've forgotten how to live.

But if I look at the positive, or with the cup half full attitude, I've gained so much more knowledge and experience and feel more ready to live than I did even a couple of months ago.

In turn for the one romantic relationship I've lost, I've been reintroduced to the real Melanie again. The one that wasn't conformed and walking on eggshells. I've began dating again and knowing exactly how I do and do not expect to be treated and most importantly on that note, I learned to enjoy sleeping alone and after learning how to be alone, I've come to enjoy some of its benefits.

Being further apart from Thomas has taught me the value of time spent with someone you love. I have accepted that the mother/son relationship I have with my T can never be compared to the experience of parenting my parents gave to me as a child, or that my sister and brother do with their children. As with any role we have with our children, I am no different in that Thomas and I must make it our own and not allow influences and exchanges of the outside interfere.

In the past year I've come to face and admit that I may not like his father, but I have gained respect for him in his role as Tommy's caretaker and dad. I do trust him with our son as well as support and respect their father/son bond. I pray and hope that as the years progress, we can continue to put our feelings aside and always work together for the sake of our child's well being.

Money and me - well, we weren't exactly in a bonding state this past year. Being poor, without a means to support myself, depending on the aid of unemployment benefits, family and friend's support and some charity on and off, I gained a new sense of respect for the American dollar. This is the one area that I've not been fully "turned around" on in the past year, but my outlook on money and the value of money - what it does and doesn't buy - has drastically changed.

The job thing... well yeah, just don't take it for granted. Period.

My round about point tonight (I told you my thoughts were rambling)... the CD made over a year ago was in direct reflection to the losses I was feeling at the time. I save all of my playlists in iTunes and name them the same as I do the CD - by date. When I played the CD from a month ago or even a week ago, the tunes are different. They are more positive, upbeat, and I feel that defines how I am managing the stress I am facing today. It depicts how influenced so many of us are by our surroundings, even the subconscious ones like our music or our relationships or our attitude in general.

There are new chapters forming all the time though. If you would have told me a year ago what the next 12 months would have unfolded for me, I would have possibly checked myself into a mental ward after a huge panic attack, but I'm here. I lived and survived and even learned a few things along the way.

We all do have a path and being reminded that every single choice - each new opportunity - is a fork in the road. I recommend when approaching your fork in your own travels, you bring with you a knife to protect yourself, a spoon to help dig you out when you get in over your head. Remember your plate can be your raft and I've even used my napkin as a white flag of surrender when need be. Most importantly, without a doubt, drink from the cup that give you joy as often as you can. Oh, and good 'dinner' music along the way will keep you strong!

Thanks to all of you who have been intertwined throughout my chapters, helping me keep my table setting in tact!